Tips for Keeping Your Family Sane During a Season in Lockdown
Licensed Master of Social Work Aly Richardson works at the Marion County Jail and also works in private practice focusing on addictions and eating disorders. Richardson and Attorney Marc Lopez recently had the chance to speak about how the current stay-at-home orders are affecting family life during the coronavirus pandemic. What follows is a lightly edited transcript of their conversation.
Marc Lopez
Aly, you are a licensed social worker, and one of your specialties is helping families deal with various issues—including mental health, addictive behaviors, and boundary setting—which I’m sure is super important with all this staying at home.
Aly Richardson
Yeah.
Marc Lopez
One of the concerns that I have is you’re reading about increases in domestic violence arrests. You’re reading about increases in child abuse. That’s all sad, scary stuff.
Aly Richardson
Mm-hmm.
Marc Lopez
What can families do now before they get to that point? Obviously, this is a brand new situation. Everyone’s staying at home so much—more time than ever.
Aly Richardson
Mm-hmm.
Marc Lopez
How do families deal with this?
Aly Richardson
You bring up a really good point. A lot of experts are, like you said, suggesting that there’s going to be an increase in all those things—domestic violence, child abuse—things like that. I think it’s twofold. One—the family unit. But then when you look at a family unit, you have individuals. We’re all individuals that make up a family unit. I say if you’re someone that struggles with anger management or substance abuse or a mental health—or all the above, whatever that looks like—that you as an individual really work to get that help you need.
Yes, a lot of the face-to-face places aren’t seeing people. That being said, there are plenty of online groups and plenty of individual therapists still meeting with people via TeleHealth. If you are finding yourself at that point where you’ve hit red, so to speak—meaning, I’m feeling very triggered. I might act out on anger that I’m feeling and hurt somebody or say something that’s going to really hurt somebody—you get that help that you need.
Then take a step back before we get to the worst case scenario where you’re at that point. Take some time for yourself. That is hard, because a lot of us are quarantined together with our families, and it’s interesting, because maybe a month ago, a lot of people were like, All I want is time with my kids and family—just to have time to reconnect. And now we have that, but I think the big difference is it’s not that vacation feel that people were looking for.
It’s more, Oh my goodness, we have all these stressors—financial, school, relationships now. It’s not like a vacation. I think the big thing, I would say, is lower your expectations. What I mean by that is don’t expect a picture perfect family. There are going to be things where you guys argue over the remote. You’re going to argue over whether you have pizza or spaghetti for dinner, and that is okay. It’s what you do with it that makes a difference.
One thing is make sure you have time for yourself—even if that means you wake up early and sit outside on the porch and drink a cup of coffee for you time. Or take 10 minutes to take a longer shower than you normally would. The other thing I’d say is make sure that—as a family—you’re spending some time together as a family unit. Even—again—if that’s only a half hour to an hour watching your favorite TV show. Also creating a schedule and a routine as a family. Again, there are plenty of groups that people can reach out to if they need help.
Lastly, there are still shelters open. There are still places that—if you are in a situation where domestic violence is happening or you need to get away where it’s safe—there are places where you can go, and there’s resources to find. You can easily reach out and find those if you’re really not safe.
Marc Lopez
One of my staff—I asked them for questions to ask you, things that they wanted to know. One of my staff—she’s 23, and her brother is 26-27. He’s actually quarantining with her, and they did not get along too much when they were little kids, but now they’re spending this quality time together. They’re playing video games, and they’re bonding in a way they’ve never bonded.
Aly Richardson
Mm-hmm.
Marc Lopez
It’s not all bad. I know a lot of people who are having fun doing this. I know that—me personally—when I used to go home, I’d try to detach myself. For the last three years, when I arrived home, I was like, I’m not going to do work until my daughter falls asleep because I want to have that quality time. So when I’m at home, there’s almost like a short circuit in my thinking—like, Wait a second, why am I working? I’m supposed to be with her. And then when I do get into a groove, and she interrupts me to ask me a thousand questions, I feel bad being like, I don’t have time for that.
Aly Richardson
Yes.
Marc Lopez
The boundary-setting is very hard for me when I’m at home, and as you can see—
Aly Richardson
Yes.
Marc Lopez
I’m recording this in my office. Nobody else is here, so it’s totally safe—it’s a quarantine zone, too, for me.
Aly Richardson
Yes.
Marc Lopez
What is some advice about setting those boundaries?
Aly Richardson
One—I don’t want to gloss over the point that you brought up as far as, Why am I working? Like, I want to be with my family, but I also have to work. And then I’d like to segue—eventually—into talking about people who still actually have to go into work and what effects that’s having on the families.
As far as the boundaries go, I think it comes back to—again—that schedule. That routine. Okay, right now dad is at work. You have your set times—your set hours that you go to work, and then when that’s over, you leave your devices. You turn off your phone so you’re not constantly checking your emails or making those phone calls when you’re not technically working anymore—so that you can be with your family. And then while you’re working, it’s like, Okay, now this is your time. For your daughter—This is your time to do your drawing or go play outside. If she has homework or whatever—doing those things.
Again—just like if you would any other day—maintaining as best as you can, This is my work time and this is play time. And if you need to take an hour lunch break versus a half-hour—okay, then you can eat lunch and then go play with them for a little bit, so they don’t feel neglected and then go back to work.
Marc Lopez
That’s awesome. Just talking to you makes me feel better, because I’ve been trying to like—15 minutes of every hour, Let’s go for a quick walk! Let’s go do something real quick! And that seems to keep some of the whining down a little bit.
Aly Richardson
Yes.
Marc Lopez
I just can’t even imagine the stresses a single parent household would be having during all this. That’s got to be incredible. Any advice for—I can at least try to hand my daughter off to my wife and when I’m home. We’re making this alternate schedule. But if you’re a single parent—what advice do you have?
Aly Richardson
I think it comes back to being flexible and talking to other people. If you’re still working—a lot of employers have been a lot more flexible—it’s out of your control. If your kid is school age, and they’re not at school anymore, and you have to work—you’re right. That is a lot to balance. Be gracious to yourself and admit that this is hard. This is hard.
Acknowledge your children’s feelings, too. I think we overlook what our kids are going through right now. They just kind of carry on, and they don’t understand what a pandemic is. They don’t understand why mom and dad are home. So there’s probably going to be an increase in needing attention—maybe even some behaviors that aren’t typical for them. Be understanding as a parent like, That this is hard for them, too. This is hard for me as a parent. A child does not have the capacity to process what’s happening.
Again—be patient, be as flexible as possible, and forgive yourself if you slip up and maybe don’t say exactly what you’d want to say as a parent. Like, I’m sorry, Mommy didn’t mean to say that. And explain what’s going on in a kid version way.
Marc Lopez
One of the things you mentioned—some of the stress of people who actually have to go into work.
Aly Richardson
Yes.
Marc Lopez
Give me your thoughts on that.
Aly Richardson
Yeah, I’m still going into work half the time in my other job and then coming home. I have several friends who are nurses, as well. Even people that aren’t in the medical field—say even lawn mower repair men or plumbers—things like that, where they’re kind of overlooked. You’re still having to go into work when everyone else’s lives are kind of on hold. Where they’re getting to work from home, you still have to go and put yourself in that danger and then come home to your family and feel that you might infect your loved ones.
That’s causing a lot of stress in people—Am I infecting other people that I love? Then having to leave your family if they’re home, and feeling a little bit jealous of people who get to stay home with their family and are like, Well, they get to stay home and they’re complaining about it.
Each person’s struggles are completely valid and understandable. As far as people that have to go to work and still do that, I get it, and it still comes back to giving yourself as much self-care as you can—following the guidelines, of course, that the CDC recommends. Washing your hands, taking a shower when you get home from work—things like that. But really work on letting go of that fear, because there’s nothing that fear is going to do.
Our mind has this thing—if we worry enough about something, it’s going to change it. Has it ever changed it? No. It just makes us more miserable and more uncomfortable. So do your best to let go of that fear and anxiety.
Marc Lopez
Absolutely. Aly, what are some strategies that people can use in their home? When they recognize, Hey, this is getting tense or, I’m starting to feel very emotional—basically, you can kind of see your temperature rising at your family. You love them unconditionally, but you’re trying to get something done, and there’s interruptions constantly, and you feel it coming. What are some ways to defuse the situation?
Aly Richardson
Really, at that point, it’s taking a break. You need to. Even though you can’t necessarily go to someone else’s house or go to a store—you can still go on a walk. You can still go outside and get some fresh air. If you need to, go sit in your car and listen to some music. Get away from the situation at that point if you really feel like—like you said—your temperature’s rising. If someone says one thing, I’m going to snap. Get away from the situation to take that breather—take that moment to breathe even and be mindful. If that keeps happening over and over, seek a professional to help you come up with some more coping skills.
Figure out the root of what’s going on and then—again, going back to that mindfulness—if we can increase mindfulness before it gets to the point that you’re to the red. Once you’re to the point where you’re going to explode, there’s not much that’s going to keep you from exploding. So we want to get you using those coping skills that are helpful.
Whatever’s good for you. Everyone’s are different—music, singing, dancing, exercising, doing yoga, if that’s your thing—even deep breathing is helpful. Taking a moment to reconnect to the breath has been shown, by many research studies, to help reground yourself in the present moment. Take that minute to step back, so you don’t react.
Marc Lopez
Step back, so you don’t react. That should be a trademark. I like that.
Aly Richardson
I have many slogans that I say, and some people call them funny, but they help me remember, and I feel like they’re good mnemonic devices for people to remember things.
Marc Lopez
We’re seeing something else. Everyone’s spending more time at home. You’re spending more time, I’m spending more time—usually I get home at 7:00 p.m., we have family dinner, and then my spouse puts our child to bed around 8:15-8:30. I wake up at 5:00, I’m at the office. So I see them during the week, and on the weekend, I’m Mr. Dad the entire time. But now I’m seeing my spouse more than I’ve seen her in a very long time, and it’s awesome—it’s also challenging. People who are in similar situations, spending a lot of time with their spouses—even their children—if you see them engaging in behavior that’s not healthy, is there any polite way to be like, Hey, you shouldn’t be doing that?
Jamie—if you’re watching this, I’m not talking about you specifically. Even myself. Yesterday at like 3:30 p.m., I was in a meeting with a bunch of other attorneys, and everyone was drinking bourbon. So I went and got a big glass of bourbon, and I was sipping on it, and my wife was kind of like, Hey! It’s 3:00! Is it really time to be drinking bourbon? At first, I kind of got upset, and then I was like, She’s totally right. Why am I drinking bourbon at 3:00?
Aly Richardson
Yeah.
Marc Lopez
Are there gentle ways to be like, Hey, you shouldn’t be doing that right now? Instead of seeming like you’re attacking somebody—there has to be, right?
Aly Richardson
For sure, for sure. The first thing I would say—it’s all about timing. It’s when you do it—especially if you’re struggling. For you in that instance—that example you gave—it doesn’t sound like you struggle with needing the alcohol. It was more of a social influence type thing—more of a tradition, it sounds like. But—say you struggle with actually having that need to drink in that moment—you’re not going to be receptive to someone being like, Stop doing that! That’s not going to work, right?
It’s really about timing—finding a time when the situation is probably over, or before it even starts. After the event has happened—when things are calmer—you could say, Hey, I’d like to talk to you in the future. When would be a good time? Set a time that you’re going to have that conversation, so that you’re both ready.
And the reason I say that is—you’re not going at it emotionally charged. Because when you go at it emotionally charged, there are going to be words and things that you don’t really mean and that are very hurtful and are just going to derail your whole point of trying to get them to get help that they need. You’re going to damage the relationship versus building a bridge, so to speak.
When you do have that conversation—they might not be ready, but at least they’re not emotionally charged, and you’re not emotionally charged—go with I feel statements. How is their behavior affecting you? Because if you’re like, Well you do this, and you do that, it’s accusing—you’re accusing them, and you’re not saying why it’s bothering you. Say, When you do this I feel concerned about your drinking. I care about you, I’d really like to see you not drinking. What can I do to help you? What does that look like?
If they’re not receptive to that, and you’ve done that multiple times, change that to, What can I do to help you? Set that boundary of, If you drink again, this is my boundary. Whether that’s you need to go to rehab or, you cannot see the children—whatever that might look like for your particular situation.
If it gets to that point where you’re having to make those boundaries, because it keeps happening over and over, and bad things are happening—whether they’re becoming angry at you, or they’ve run into legal issues, or they are unable to complete their tasks that they have set for them—make sure they go to rehab or get some treatment that they need, because obviously it’s at that point where it’s gone from dependence to addiction.
Marc Lopez
It’s interesting. Even hearing you say, I feel—what can I do to help? That’s so much easier than to be like, Hey, you’re an alcoholic.
Aly Richardson
The nagging doesn’t work. It just adds fuel to the flame. That is the tricky part—especially for loved ones—because you are angry and hurt and upset and scared to see that happening. Maybe violence is acted out when someone’s under the influence, and they’re not making the same judgments that they typically would. So it’s easy to lash out in anger.
I think a lot of times when there’s addiction, people focus on the person who’s struggling with the addiction versus those who are living with the person with said addiction. Those are people, too, and they’re hurting just as much. They’re living with that. Say it’s the wife, and her husband is drinking—that relationship is not what it was or how it should be. The wife is probably having to pull a lot of the weight in the relationship. You’re not you when you’re under the influence.
Even if the other person won’t get help—the person struggling with the addiction—you yourself need to get some help to process what’s that like and what you might need to do moving forward to set those boundaries. I can’t, unfortunately, give a cut and dried answer to what that will be, because it’s different for every person and every relationship.
Marc Lopez
Aly, what is the best way to contact you?
Aly Richardson
I’m reachable by phone and by email. My email is aly@groffandassociates.com, and my phone number is 317-474-6448, extension 108.
